Brain Vomit.

My Experiences With The Paranormal

As terrified as I am of most things paranormal (shows like ghost hunters and celebrity ghost stories leave me with paranoia and tears in my eyes), I have actually had a few paranormal encounters in my life. These are them:

1. When I was young, I had an invisible friend. I was so young when I first met her (I think I was 3), that I don’t remember how it came about. But we were friends for years so I remember things about her as I got older. Her name was Coco. She was black. She always wore a blue and white outfit that now, I would recognize as something similar to a maids uniform. I grew up in a real small hick farm town. Until I started school, I had never seen a colored person in real life. Apparently one day just after I first started talking to Coco, I was at the mall with  my mom and in seeing a black mannequin, I pointed and told mom “that’s what Coco looks like!” I remember her just being really sweet, being my friend. She did things like tell me to ask my mom if she could have cookie as well, when I was allowed to have one and then telling me I cold eat it when Mom brought it. I remember feeling really safe because she was always there. 

One strange night that I remember well, I had a fight with my parents because I was supposed to get a new bed and they changed their minds. In protest, I took ALL of the sheets off my bed (fitted one as well) and made myself a bed on the floor, in which I fell asleep in. When I woke in the morning, I was back in my completely made bed with no idea how I’d gotten there or who had made my bed. My parents still swear they had nothing to do with it. 

Eventually, people kept telling me that I was too old to have an invisible friend and slowly, I convinced myself to let Coco fade away. I remember making her a gravestone and taping it to my floor, genuinely sad that she was gone. For most of my life, I believed I was just a kid who had an imaginary friend. But with research, and the internet, I have learned that that may not have been the case. Most kids with true invisible friends KNOW that they are not there. They know they have created them, they don’t actually see someone there. Also oftentimes, they are not people. They are animals, etc. And it’s a known fact that the younger we are, the more susceptible we are to contact from the other side. 

I very much believe that Coco was a spirit. I wonder things like, was she attached to the land there? (We built our house so it couldn’t have been it.) Or was she attached to me? Is she a spirit guide or something of the like? Is she still here somewhere? I might never know but I’m extremely curious. 

2. About 7 or 8 years ago, I worked in downtown Vancouver at Virgin Megastore (best job of my life!). There are 3 floors in the old building that was once the Vancouver library. The top floor, we called the mezzanine. Once it had a cafeteria that was now shut down and it didn’t get a whole lot of traffic. It held the toys, games, comics, books, vinyl, and smaller sections of cd’s like rap/hip hop, electronica,world, etc. After working the main floor for a few years, I jumped at the chance to work the mezz. It was quiet, we got to play our own music and read. It was awesome up there. (I made friends with Robin Williams up there and we bonded over graphic novels for months!) 

Anyways, before I started working up there, I had heard the mezz staff talking about the “ghost” but I truly never thought anything of it. But I understood as soon as I started working up there. 

When the books started flying off the shelves, I honestly chalked it up to bad merchandising; they weren’t set up properly. But it happened so often, I finally questioned it. A few times, I actually saw them fly out and it was in no way “falling” off the shelf. They flew out in stacks. 

One day I was organizing cd’s at the far end of the floor and I ver clearly heard a woman say “excuse me”. I looked around, but no one else was on the floor at all. And there is only one was down and no one could have gone that way without me seeing them. I never felt scared, though. I’m terrified of ghosts, but it definitely meant no harm and there was never any negative energy. Just wanted to be acknowledged, I suspect.

3. Two-ish years ago, I was living alone in a small apartment with my 2 cats. being a tiny 1 bedroom place, there was just one small hall connecting all the rooms. I was sitting in the living room one day when I saw a dark, human shaped figure flash down the hallway from the living room towards the front door. It had seemingly appeared out of nowhere and disappeared just the same. This time, I felt fear tightening in my chest but I shook it off as my paranoia, or just my eyes playing tricks. 

A day or two later, I was in the bedroom looking in a mirror that happened to reflect the hallway. This day, I saw the figure again, much clearer. It passed the bedroom door, headed towards the front door. But nothing was there. I was scared out of my fucking mind. I had definitely seen something this time. 

I saw my mom a few days later, and ignoring how crazy I might look, I told her about what I had seen. I was quite freaked out by it, and I worried if it escalated, no one would believe me that it had happened before. When I told mom that I had clearly seen a tall, shadow figure, HER face looked terrified and she asked me if I was being serious. Turns out, during the same week, she had seen the same thing. We live in the same area, but different apartments. Both of us had lived in the places for a few years before the sightings and nothing had ever happened. Oddly enough, nothing ever happened again. 

The only thing we’ve been able to think is that during that time, my uncle (who has now passed) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So we questioned whether it could have been my poppa (my mom and uncles father) trying to be there for the family, or to tell us… or maybe just energy that came from what was happening. I don’t know. I’ll never know. Creepy, though. 

4. Last one may not have been paranormal… but I believe some force was at work. I recently watched an episode of celebrity ghost story where the woman was drawn by an unknown force to pick up a book she had never seen before and read it. It happened to be a conquest journal her boyfriend had written about the women he had cheated with. I had some suspicions about my similar story, but after being brought to weeping tears by that episode, I realized my story was probably more similar than I could have dreamed. 

Last October, I was in a really sad relationship. I was in love with someone who was pushing me away and I couldn’t do anything about it. We were at a place where we hadn’t even been speaking, and I was a day away from giving him the ultimatum of being with me or fucking off for good. It was on my mind pretty heavily and had been for a few days; that I had to do something. SOMETHING needed to end one way or another. 

The few times I have ever been THAT lost in my life, I wish that my nana was still alive. I find myself talking to her, and crying to her, and knowing that her love and knowledge could have saved me in a way. I’ve never had any solid proof of her like visions, etc. But often, I feel like her energy is here and it’s always calming. 

So this night, I was browsing instagram on my phone and was strangely drawn to someones Facebook link. The thing I find strange is that is not normal for me. it was a total stranger. I do NOT add strangers to Facebook, and I didn’t care one bit about seeing this strangers page. I don’t ever know how to explain it, but something made me click it. And I did. 

Those who have iPhones will understand this; when I clicked on the link, Facebook opened in Safari instead of through my app. Apparently, my boyfriend had signed into his Facebook in my Safari and never signed out. 

Another strange factor was that out of the few mutual fb friends we had, one had been the last to post in the feed, so I never even questioned it not being my page. There was a new message so I casually clicked on it. 

Now I am truly NOT the type of girl that creeps people. Had I known what I was doing, I would have stopped it long before I saw what I did. I didn;t even realize what was happening until it was way too late. 

Long story short, I read messages about him cheating on me, and saying terrible things about me. Clearly enough for me to avoid looking like more of a fool by trying to fix things any longer, and to just end it for good myself. 

I just really believe that this was more than intuition. Something other than fate put all the facts in order for that to have worked the way it did. If I hand’t read what I did, we still would have broken up, and I would have always blamed myself and wondered what I did when the reality was just that I was dating a lying piece of shit. 

Thanks, nana. 

Anyways, thats it to date. I’m still terrified of spirits, but I do hope I have more experiences in the future. I know ghosts are real, the few experiences I have had prove that in my brain without a doubt. 

Have a paranormal experience? Tell me your story in the comments below - I’d LOVE to read them! Reblog so I can read more stories!?

A very 90’s Xmas

I recently stumbled upon this:

http://www.chacha.com/topic/christmas-list/gallery/1628/a-90s-kid-s-christmas-list In realizing I either had, or painfully wanted ALL of these items at some point, I figured I should write a little about each item. This might be a little long, but there’s some good stories involved.

1. TALKBOY I had this when I was younger. Home Alone has always been one of my favorite movies and as soon as this was available to buy, I needed it. It was #1 on my list the year I got it. I still remember mom asking me if it made a difference if I got a “talkgirl”, a pink version they made. I very seriously informed her that it made a great deal of difference and I very much needed the original “TalkBOY” thank you very much. (Mom had to run out and exchange the pink one she had purchased so I got the right one Christmas morning.

2. MOON SHOES Oh moon shoes. I was so excited when I got these one year. As a kid who always wanted a trampoline, these seemed like a good second option. If I remember correctly, they were never quite as fun as the commercials made it seem like they would be. And they were impossible to walk in. So you either hopped or took them off. A while after I got them, we had a garage sale that mom wanted to sell them in because she said I didn’t use them enough. I agreed that if we could get a set price for them, maybe I’d sell them. Turns out we didn;t get anything and mom snuck them off to my younger neighbour for free… I never quite got over it. Even if I was never going to jump on them again, I was going to hold that grudge apparently.

3. SKIP IT Nothing too exciting here… I went through a shit ton of skip its in my years. They were so fun but the mechanism wasn’t built well enough for all the abuse andthey broke (stopped counting) fairly easily.

4. CREEPY CRAWLERS I was such a boy when I was young but I was OBSESSED with these things. There wasn’t even a point to them. After they were designed and cooked, they were just rubber bugs… but I loved them. I remember how exciting it was when they came out with different colors like “glow in the dark”. Seriously. It was god damn thrilling.

5. KOOSH BALLS No stories. Always had them… probably got one a year in our stockings. The best ones had animals in them. Had a pig once… that guy was pretty awesome.

6. TAMAGOTCHI I was a LITTLE too old for these when they came out. I was in 7th grade and I remember really loving it when I first got it. It didn’t take long before they were banned in school because we cared more about cleaning up our virtual pets shit than we did learning math.

7. GAK Gak was so fucking awesome back in the day. I remember they eventually came out with scents. I specifically remember there being pie, popcorn, and hot-dog scents. I had hot dog. It was orange… One day I was laying on my back in my closet playing with Gak (no clue if it was hot dog or not) and I dropped it like it was hot RIGHT onto my hair. It immediately clung to my DNA for dear life and we ended up having to cut a huge hunk of my hair out.

8. SILLY PUTTY Once upon a time I had color changing silly putty. It was orange when cool and yellow when warm. One day, being the genius I have always been, I decided it would color change quick if I stuck it in my armpit to warm it up. I’m sure it did change color, but it also bonded (just like the gak and my hair) to the armpit of the tshirt I was wearing at the time. It just so happened to be a white, Tasmanian Devil, Harley Davidson tshirt in case you wondered. I freaked out because I was always doing stupid shit like that and getting into tons of trouble. I hid it in my laundry bin and thanked my lucky stars when it came back clean haha. Best used to copy comics out of the newspaper.

9. Water guns. Again, no real stories. Always had them, played with them every summer like most kids. No hilarity for you here. Michael Jackson fucking loved water guns.

10. Roller Blades I had roller skates as a kid. I have never owned a pair of roller blades. I’m pretty sure I tried to use my sisters after she had grown out of them, but always preferred the stability of regular 4 wheeled skates. Just last year, my good friend (Voodou Suicide) and I went ice skating. We were stoned out of our minds and terrified of the skating olympic mascot, but we sill did awesome and decided we were now skaters. So we decided we could roller blade around Stanley Park. We made it like a block before we had both been on our butts more than once. We then proceeded to take our blades on a nice walk around the park…

11. SUPER NINTENDO OH FUCK ME I love Nintendo. We weren’t allowed to have video game systems as a kid. Well, I had a gameboy which I know counts, but I always wanted a fucking nintendo. My neighbours (Kyle and Dustin) had one and I hung out there primarily to beat Mario games. If not that then for the McDonalds kitchen… But I was so good at Mario that when we finally got our gameboys, I was the only one in my family who could beat all the Mario games.

12. talkboy again?? See #1. I think I want to buy one off Ebay. For real, I’ll keep it in my purse. 

13. MY LITTLE PONY I had a shit ton of these little buggers. I made them pets of my barbies sometimes…. or they played on their own. My sister had the only male and so I always wanted her to play so they weren’t all girls… I still have a small collection of my ponies.

14. POGS Mother fuck, I loved pogo. I never even FULLY understood the game until I was older (and it got banned from school), but collecting those guys were my damn favorite thing. I was obsessed with skulls and yin yangs back then, so most of my pogo and slammers were in that design. I still have a big tube somewhere. My favourites in there are my Simpson pogo… I’d still play if someone would join!

15. BEANIE BABIES I definitely was never as obsessed with these as a lot of people I knew were. More than the real ones, I was addicted to getting all the tiny ones from McDonalds (before their toys sucked hairy asshole). I don’t think I cared too much about them but I had a few pigs that I loved.

16. TICKLE ME ELMO I was too old for this. I remember when he came out and I ALMOST wanted him… but I knew I was too old.

17. MICRO MACHINES Shit, we had a lot of these. We kept them in kleenex boxes.

18. BOP IT I never played Bop It when I was young. We sold it in the toy store I worked at last year and I used to sneak and play. However I find the new “shout it” option to be quite obnoxious.

19. STRETCH ARMSTRONG SO, my sister got a Stretch Armstrong and I got a VacMan (which I was pretty happy with). He’s one of the first Xmas presents I ever peeked at before Xmas morning. He had a vacuum that sucked the air out of him, making him stretchable. Eventually the vacuum stopped working and poor VacMan became flaccid for good :( Sad Day.

20. POWER WHEELS I was actually a little old for these as well. By the time the good cars came out, I was probably in the last year of an age that should be driving one. I never got one. I did have a friend (Alexis) who was a few years younger than me and had one. The one time I remember being at her house, her mom had burnt something in the microwave and the whole house smelled sickly like burning. So we went outside and drove around in the Hot Wheels… I remember feeling like it was a juvenile thing for such a grown up like me to be doing. I was probably 7 or 8… thats when I got old.The truth is though, if I saw a kid driving one now, I would car jack that little weasel.

The REAL truth is, I would be stoked as shit to get any of these items as a gift now… maybe not a koosh ball. Unless it had a pig in it.

Garble.

This will be my most random blog yet. Sometimes, usually late at night, thoughts come into my head that are either incomplete and I never complete them, or feel complete to me because I just can’t take them any further. Some are funny and I give myself a little giggle and some hurt like hell. These are those thoughts (I scribble them down overtime). They may not make much sense to some of you, but every one means something to me. 

“I genuinely miss when Facebook statuses stayed at the top of the page so you could post emo song lyrics, etc. and have them there to run salt in the wounds until you feel something different to post about. That’s tough love right there.”

“The other day I googled ‘am I related to Genghis Khan’. I probably am. I feel like I probably am.”

“I wish I fell down more, like I used to. As long as I don’t break a bone, it’s always one of the most hilarious moments”

“One day, they will all regret denying the pterodactyl.”

“I’ve never seen a more punchable face.”

“As awful as it is, when I imagine it happening, I feel so free. Like that would finally be the moment that all the wasted seconds would no longer exist; lost in the once was, the gone.”

“And the thing is, I feel like everyone always seems to say that their last heartbreak was the only, or most real of them all. And I start to wonder if it’s like childbirth… Every time, at the time, it hurts worse that you thought anything could. It tears you apart and you don’t know how you’re going to make it through. But you do. And after time passes, though you know it hurt, you always feel strong enough to go through it again.”

“I know that I am going to die young and I’m not afraid. If anything, I look forward to the possibilities.” 

“I have really good advice for him. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that really knows what he needs to hear. But I’ll never let him hear it.”

“Theres no such thing as forever. Nothing is forever. Everyone dies. Everything ends. All we can do is live in the moment and be happy with what we have and what we’ve done. Unfortunately, most people are too selfish and greedy to realize that’s all we need.”

“If I wasn’t so god damn weird, no one would have anything to remember me by.”

I love You And That’s All I Really Know

I really, truly love you. 

You are there for me every single day, without fail. 

You sit with me during the hard times. You endure my tears, my anxiety and all my stresses. 

You have carried me through the hardest moments of my life.

You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing that touches  my lips before I fall asleep. 

You don’t judge me. You’ve never judged me. 

You won’t leave me when something better comes along. 

You won’t lie to me.

You won’t cheat on me.

You won’t call me names. 

You won’t leave me if I put on weight, or worry if I lose too much.

You’re never far - I always know where to find you when I need you.

The one time we separated, you were ready and willing to take me back when I needed you. 

I don’t care what people think of us when they see us together… because you mean more to me than their glares. 

I don’t even care if you’re killing me. I would gladly die for you. That’s real love.

I don’t tell you because I just assume that you know. But I love you, dear cigarettes. I have always loved you. I always will.

God Damn Christmas

Fuck Christmas, man. I hate it. I hate it so much. I get so excited for fall. For sweater weather, fallen leaves, and pumpkins. The days around halloween when there’s horror movies on every day and Starbucks has delicious pumpkin drinks are my favourite days of the year. But they pass by so quickly. We wake up November 1st and suddenly people have Christmas lights up, and its god damn freezing out. You can’t go anywhere without the hoards of humans shopping for presents. If you happen to work retail, this is the most stressful time of year possible. Last year I was working in a children’s toy store… KILL ME NOW. I can’t even explain to you the horror of things like the zhu zhu hamster wall… you’ll just have to believe me that I thought about taking my life right in front of those little bastards.

I hate Christmas gifts. i hate shopping for them. I can’t handle being out in public with everyone else who hates shopping for gifts. I get angry. I go Christmas shopping and I come home MAD. I just want to hit so many people. Maybe I’m just an angry person, but I think I’m gonna blame all those slow walkers, and line budgers that I encounter within a half hour of trying to shop in the city. #Sonsofbitches.

I also genuinely hate receiving gifts. I mean, everyone likes to get stuff. I’m not mad that I GET shit. But it’s so awkward, I’d rather get nothing and avoid the whole experience. Sitting in front of someone, opening a gift they gave me makes me panic. Even if I LOVE it, it’s rare that my genuine reaction is going to show it. So I always feel like I have to act extra excited for a pair of fucking socks. Yeah, I fucking love socks but I don’t squeal with joy over them. I do when the gift giver is staring at me. I think everyone should be able to open their gifts in the comfort of their own bedrooms and send out thank you cards later. Seriously.

It drives me up the fucking wall that TV and media make the holidays all about love and family. I don’t have much family. I usually spend Christmas with just my mom and my sister. Which honestly, makes it so pointless in my brain. It’s no different than any other day except that I’m forced to sit in a room and make awkward small talk with the sister I’ve never really gotten along with. Now she’s in a relationship with a guy I hate, who has a kid. Christmas day with them is my nightmare. Last year I just got fucking wasted. Mom almost didn’t let me come over for Christmas dinner because my sisters boyfriend is “on the wagon”. But fuck that shit. The only way for me to get through without slitting my wrists in the bathroom is to get drunk enough that I don’t care. I’ve also only spent 2 Christmas’ of my entire life in a relationship. Same guy. One year we had just started dating so didn’t really spend it together and the next year I HATED him and was waiting until the holidays were over to end it so… that happened. 

So basically to me, Christmas is cold, expensive, awkward and lonely. Worst time of my whole life. I’m seriously thinking of telling mom to go to my sisters house for dinner this year and let me be alone and drunk. The only advice I can give to anyone who hates Christmas as much as I do is to drink… a lot… every day until it’s over. That way you’re guaranteed to either have your own holiday party in your head, or forget any of it ever happened. Until next year anyhow. 

How To Get Over A Break Up

So I didn’t really want to write anymore about my recent break up, honestly. It’s been long enough now that I’ve gotten over it for the most part. But someone told me today that I “inspire them” for being in the place where I am with it. And that honestly hit me. And I thought, if I can help just one person with one of the most painful life experiences, I owe it to that one person to do so. 

I’ve always thought I was really shitty at advice. Especially relationship advice. Until recently, I had always been the heartbreaker. And giving advice to the broken hearted from the other side can feel like a really cold thing to do. When you break up with someone, it’s because you don’t want to be with them. You don’t love them anymore, you’ve probably already moved on. And their reactions of being sad and angry and scorned just feel annoying at that point. You just want them to pick themselves up and move on, leave you alone. Even if part of you cares about them and feels bad for hurting them, you don’t REALLY care. 

So when my heart broken friends would ask me what to do and how they were going to go on without the person they loved, I was always pretty matter of fact. They don’t love you. WHY would you waste your time wishing you were with someone who doesn’t care about you? Respect yourself, for gods sake. Stop being so pathetic and live your life. Your ex has already moved on and you’re still giving them this sick power to hold you down. A power they don’t even WANT anymore. They actually want you to move on with your life so they don’t have to watch their back from the wrath of a scorned ex lover. Trust me, I spent years watching my back. Some people just don’t know how to let go.

And then suddenly, I found myself on the heartbroken side of things. And for the first little while, when it still REALLY hurt, I felt like the biggest asshole in the world for telling my friends the things I had and expecting them to actually get up and get over it. I even felt more guilt than ever for the hearts I had broken in the past and the way I so coldly treated them afterwards. Where did I get off thinking that someone can go from being in love with someone one day and just smile and get over it when that person no longer loves them back? How did I so blindly ignore the emotional and physical turmoil you experience when the person you love deletes you from their life? Had I really been wrong all along?

The thing is, I wasn’t wrong. A little too harsh and matter of fact about things, yes. But not wrong. And after some deep thinking and soul searching, I realized that my own advice had saved me. It’s not for everyone. Especially not when things are real fresh. Because it’s not what you want to hear. In the beginning, you’re still in denial. You think that they’re going to realize they miss you and come back. They’re not. Sure it happens sometimes, but it’s rare. Because trust me, by the time someone is at the point of walking out of your life, they’ve been emotionally removed for a while. And it’s relieving to them that they finally got the balls to get it over with. Right now, they are feeling a sense of relief and bliss that you won’t feel for some time. 

So first of all, take your time to cry. Seriously; stay in bed, call in sick, eat a lot or not at all, don’t shower at all or spend hours in there daily, call your friends or ignore the world, whatever it is that your brain feels like it needs to cope, do it. Everyones time is different. I probably did it for a week (this preceded the actual breakup but I was smart enough to get it over with beforehand since I knew what was coming). I hate to set a timeline for this period, but I’d say any longer than two weeks, and it’s gotten a little out of hand. Get rid of everything that reminds you of them. Pictures, gifts, etc. (I threw everything in a bag and gave it to my mom to basically hide from me until I was ready to sort through it.) You don’t want to irrationally throw away anything you might actually want, but it’s not good to have around at this point. And cut off contact with your ex. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends again at some point, should you both care to be. But staying in contact right away is going to annoy the fuck out of them and hinder your healing drastically.

Now clean yourself up, body and mind. Stop thinking that your ex is better than you or that you are worthless without them. Don’t let them have the power of being someone who made you who you are. It’s a mistake we all make. If you’re reading this BECAUSE your heart is breaking, you’re thinking “easier said than done”, but it’s not. You just have to WANT to do it. So many people get so stuck in the being sad phase that they don’t even want to get out. It can feel oddly comforting to cry into your own filth and have people take care of you. But everyone who has chosen to stay in your life wants you back. Trust me, they do. They love you for who you are, and being gross and depressed over some jerk who doesn’t appreciate you is NOT who you are. Now go back to paragraph #3 and realize it’s harsh, but true. The main thing that pulled me out of the darkness was the fact that I DO NOT want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s simple, yet deep. 

Life goes on, guys. No one else defines us but us. Love is a fucking hard emotion to deal with. It can be hard to fall and its a million times harder to fall out. But realize that we’ve all been through it in some form or another. And if you can get yourself together and look at it logically, you will be stronger for it. We really do have control of how these situations end and we have to have enough respect for ourselves to allow ourselves to heal. Don’t let a relationship ruin you. Don’t leave your heart with someone who doesn’t want it. 

Also realize that even though it might feel scary, you now have this vast open world to look at as your future. It’s unplanned. You don’t know where you’re going to be or who you’re going to be with a year or five years from now. But that can be really exciting. It’s an adventure, as life should be. So thank your ex for giving you a new chance at adventure. And maybe one day you can hope that theirs is nice, too. 

I Bet We’d Be Facebook Friends.

Today is 9 years to the day that my friend Sierra killed herself. She was 14 years old. I wasn’t super close with her. I had just met her that year. We had one class together. But both being a little… different, we connected quickly and easily. I was 3 years older than her. But it didn’t matter. 

There’s a few details about that day that really stick out in my head. Like how she styled her hair the way I had suggested the day before… I know what her hair looked like when she died. And the fact that we were making these scarecrows in sewing class and I was ahead so I worked with her that day and helped her catch up. And how a friend of mine came to pick me up from class and saw me talking to Sierra… and made fun of her. Something like, “Who’s that girl you were talking to? She’s weird.” And how I had said “Shut up. Shes really cool. Shes my friend.” And how it was that friend who called me the next day to tell me that my friend had killed herself. “Well, people are saying its a 9th grader with a blonde mohawk. Pretty sure theres only one.”

I remember going to class that Monday hoping that she would be there. That it was all a misunderstanding and she was going to be in her chair across from me. And Id tell her “Sisi! I thought you DIED!!” And she’d laugh and realize I appreciated her presence in my life. But she wasn’t there. And as soon as I saw the school counsellors walking in to talk to us, I just dropped my head and cried. The first time I ever remember crying in front of people. 

And then she was just gone. This girl that I hadn’t really gotten to know well. But who I spent an hour with every day for 2 months. A girl who I really, genuinely enjoyed. Her stories, her humor… her light that she obviously didn’t see. And still to this day, I have some guilt. I wonder if I had tried to be closer to her if I could have saved her. I don’t know what else to wonder, because even when you don’t know anyone at all, it’s hard to accept that you’ll never be able to. 

Class was never the same without her, I know that. I missed her every day. I still do, even though 9 years later, I don’t know what kind of relationship we’d have… I bet we’d be facebook friends. 

RIP Sisi.